How to be confident in an overly critical world can seem like a tall order –but you CAN do it. You can be confident in yourself. Self Confidence has many benefits including creating genuinely healthy relationships, doing better in your job, a willingness to try new things and meet new people, and the ability to recover if something doesn’t go your way. Confidence can be learned. It can be nurtured and grow. Women struggle with this more than men because of society’s pressure on girls to act and look a certain way. The thing to keep in mind here is that confidence is not a magical thing that some people just have and others don’t. Confidence is just a learned ability like any other. Let’s examine how we can rewrite your story into one of a confident woman.
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1. Tell yourself the right story
Tell yourself the right story. Almost everything in life begins and ends with what we tell ourselves is possible. Whatever story you write in your mind about who you are every day, is exactly who you are. Until the story in your head changes nothing about your life or your confidence will change.
So let’s write a different story. Literally. Take out a pen and paper and write down your best qualities. The things you like about yourself. What you perceive your strengths to be. Now ask someone close to you to tell you what they think your strengths are. This will give you a more objective view of yourself.
We are often our own worst critics. Sometimes we just need to be reminded of our strengths. Allow yourself some time to think about each of the qualities on the list and to really appreciate them. Next time you are faced with a situation where you lack confidence—joining a group where you don’t know anyone, presenting to your boss at work, going on a date—remember each of these qualities about yourself. Repeat them to yourself. Your mind must identify these good qualities with you. You are valuable
2. Practice Daily Affirmations
Practice daily affirmations. This goes along with telling yourself the right story. When we say something out loud it gives it validity. When we tell our mind something about ourselves enough it will begin to believe that reality. Which means you will believe it.
If you struggle with confidence in a certain area repeat a daily affirmation to help you in that area. For example, if you feel like you aren’t interested and therefore no one is going to like you, try an affirmation like ‘I am vibrant and interesting and people are drawn to me.’ I will list some confidence affirmations below for you.
- I love and respect myself and my body.
- I am capable and confident in who I am.
- I am worthy of friendship and love
- I am vibrant and likable
- I am intelligent and competent
- My gifts and contributions matter
- Other people’s opinions do NOT define me
- I am strong and powerful
- I believe in my abilities and strengths
- I am likable and kind
- My opinions are valid and important
Remember that repeating these affirmations daily and often is best. You are telling your mind the story about you that you want to believe. The more you tell that story, the faster it will become your story, and the faster it becomes your identity.
3. Always assume everyone likes you
Always assume everyone likes you. I saw a YouTube video a long time ago and the girl on it said that you should always enter a room full of people pretending like everyone in the room is already your friend. This advice completely changed every interaction I have had since.
The idea is that you pretend like they are your friend, be genuinely interested in them, and they will like you. You are playing the part of their friend and their mind begins to believe you are their friend. Now I am NOT saying to be a fake person or friend. That is the exact opposite of what I’m saying. I’m saying when you want to make friends go into the situation knowing that you are worthy of being liked. Act like a friend, and before you know it they will accept you as a friend. This really does work.
Think about it like this—if someone you don’t know comes to a work gathering where you are with a group of your work friends, and they grab a drink and head straight for the back corner by themselves, are you going to be inclined to welcome that person into your group? Now, what if that same person had walked in, looked around and made eye contact with you, and smiled? They get a drink and then wander over to your group and introduce themselves with a smile. Which version are you going to want to be friends with?
It feels weird at first, especially if you are a bit of an introvert like myself, but once you see how well it works it will give you the additional confidence for the next time you are in that situation.
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4. Push through the fear
Dale Carnegie said “Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.” We are all afraid of different things to different degrees. The only way to gain confidence is to go and do the thing you are afraid of.
Join a new group and make new friends. Quit the job you hate and start your own business. Whatever it is that you need confidence in, start to steer your life in that direction. It doesn’t have to be the big changes all at once. Start small and celebrate every small win. The small wins will give you the momentum to keep going. We are meant to continually evolve and grow as people. With each new experience we master, we gain more confidence in ourselves. So be afraid, but push through it and do the thing anyway.
5. Don’t compare yourself to others
Comparing ourselves to others is one of the most harmful things we can do to ourselves. It causes us to focus on the wrong things. It breeds jealousy, pettiness, and a host of bad behavior. Instead, refer back to the list of your own strong qualities. Anytime you are tempted to compare yourself or your life to someone else, focus on your strengths. Do the hard work of developing yourself into the person you want to be. If you are focused on building a the best version of yourself, you won’t be as tempted to look outward at others.
Start a Gratitude Journal. Every day write down things you are grateful for in your life: people, experiences, etc that are part of your life. When you see how blessed you are in your life you are a lot less likely to compare your life to others.
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
6. Surround yourself with positive people
Whatever we cultivate in our minds is what grows. It is why telling yourself the right story and doing daily affirmations is so important. Who you spend time with is equally important. Are the people around you daily loving, supportive, and optimistic? Or are they cynical and critical, always pointing out the negative? Because whatever they are constantly spewing is what is growing in the garden of your mind.
Jim Rohn said, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” That can either be great news or downright terrifying. Take some time to evaluate the people you are closest to and spend the most time with. Are their qualities ones that you want to cultivate in yourself? If not it might be time to form some new attachments and let go of some unhealthy ones.
7. Be genuinely and authentically you
There is only one of you and that makes you special. You have a lot to give the world. Your point of view, and your unique perspective is valuable. If you spend time trying to be like someone else or pretending to be something you are not then you will rob the world of your uniqueness. Not only that, but people can instinctively tell when someone is not authentic. Instead of trying to be like someone else, be genuinely interested in other people and those people will be genuinely interested in you.
In closing, no one can give you confidence. Confidence is born and grows inside of you. It’s not based on external factors. Therefore, just like no one can eat healthy for you, or go to the gym for you, no one can give you confidence. You have to make the choice to believe in yourself. Practice the advice above as often as you can and you will see it change your course. It is a perspective shift—a self-belief shift—that must be made to become your most confident self. So go forth and be bold and brave. Be a queen.
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